Small talk across cultures…
Today my daughter and I went through our regular morning routine. We had breakfast while watching cartoons, got dressed, and somewhere between the front door of our apartment and the front door of our building she decided she’s never going to school again. As usual, I hobbled out the door to our building with a child hanging on one leg, two backpacks, a bag of objects starting with the letter of the week, and, for extra fun today, an umbrella. While negotiating the concrete stairs, the window of the front desk slid open on cue and our building’s porteiro (door person/front desk receptionist) stuck her head out.
This woman’s commitment to good manners is unwavering. It doesn’t matter how loudly my daughter is crying or precarious my balance on the steps. She will call out a greeting to us, comment on my daughter’s cuteness, and wait for a response. As I call out a frazzled good morning in Portuguese between promises and pleas to my daughter in English, the porteiro in cheerful Portuguese tells my daughter not cry because school is fun! Truly, nothing is more helpful when negotiating a tantrum than to have a relative stranger shouting encouragement in another language.
Such is the Brazilian commitment to small talk.
Screaming toddlers in the rain won’t deter a morning chat. I come back from the gym sweaty and stinky, and I still can’t avoid a discussion on the humidity with our porteiro, a maid, and two retirees. Yes, it sure is hot. Just look at my face in a puddle on the floor there. I’d really love a shower. After the heat and humidity, inflation is the next hottest topic to discuss with taxi drivers, elevator companions, and stylists. Here in Vitoria, you can go ahead and blame all three on President Dilma.
My first experience with the Brazilian determination to converse happened at the pool of my old building in Rio. I had head phones wedged in my ears, a highlighter in hand, an open journal article on my lap, a stack of ten more to my left and a total of five words in Portuguese. I non-verbally screamed, “Don’t talk to me,” but not loudly enough to deter the lifeguard. There was no way to get rid of the guy short of saying “Stop talking,” but as I couldn’t use the imperative in Portuguese, I was stuck.
I hate small talk and unfortunately for me, Brazilians are generally an extraordinarily friendly and happy people. How exhausting. Fortunately for me, the man I married is the most anti-social Brazilian currently living. He is an outlier that skews all data about Brazilians, and serves as a reminder that while culture is real, each person is an individual.
At least a lifetime of training among small talkers won’t go to waste here. You see I’m from the South, the region of the US formerly known as the Confederacy. We do our small talkin’ with more ice tea and fewer “g”s, but we do it and love it.
At least, we can fake that we love it. I don’t believe anyone feels genuine excitement over someone’s new, home-made seasonal door swag. But when the saleswoman at Michaels raves about the gold spray paint she just used on hers, a good southern girl will exclaim on the good fortune, express gratitude for the knowledge by referencing her own failed attempt at a similar project, and ask for suggestions on holiday napkin holder crafts for kids she may or may not actually have.
Successful small talk requires a lot of energy and even more if you have to do it in a second language and foreign culture. You need not only correctly conjugated verbs but also content. Small talk requires knowledge about topics appropriate for discussion i.e. the weather, current events, pop culture, and fluency in non-verbal cues to know when it’s time to change topics or wrap things up. Pulling all this off in a new country is exhausting and I’m just not inclined to invest this energy in someone I will only be in line with for another five minutes.
I know this makes me the shy or rude foreigner and that by Brazilian standers my building’s porteiro is hardly a stranger. Neither is my mother-in-law. I just think one of the best things about being a happily-married, self-employed adult is that I don’t have to win the approval of strangers, bosses, or periphery acquaintances. Not unless I’m in the mood.
I know when the apocalypse comes no one here will be inviting my husband and I onto their boat. But I have a super cute Brazilian daughter. I’ll leave it to her to small talk our way on board.
Ha Ha! You need to come to China. They don’t do small talk, AT ALL. In fact as much as it’s nice to avoid it, sometimes I wish they would, just a little. Not even a ‘how are you today?’ or ‘have a great week.’ I find myself stuck and feeling really odd just saying, see you later. Ha. Foreign life! Cheers, Nicole
That’s my kind of country! Can a person take a book or Kindle and just sit reading, totally ignoring everybody?
Seriously though, at this point I would find it bizarre not get a “good morning” or “how are you” in public. Between Atlanta and Vitoria, I’ve always lived in cultures that valued polite exchanges between strangers. After two days, I would probably wonder why everyone in China hated me.
I actually quite like chatting to random people, most of the time. I do need to be in the mood 🙂 But the difficulty of missing ‘context’ in a new culture does make it far more difficult. If I had to add language into the equation I suspect I would become very quiet! #myexpatfamily
At this point, I do have enough context and language to get by when I’m in the mood or a social situation that demands. What still drives me crazy here is that no one seems to read my nonverbal cues that scream “Right now is not a good time to talk to me!” This morning I was late getting my daughter to swim class. We’re booking it down the side walk. I have both our backpacks hanging off me. I’m giving rapid instruction to her in English and this complete stranger comes up along side me and asks “Where are you from?” Seriously, buddy?! I’m dripping with sweat and practically jogging with a preschooler. Now is NOT the time!
Urgh I hate small talk I too am bloody awful at it!!
There’s nothing worse than putting out all the “don’t talk to me” signals and people ignore it!!
Thanks for sharing with #myexpatfamily
Interesting post! I’m rubbish at small talk, I think that’s a problem in any culture, no matter how good or bad your skills in the local language. If you have a talent for communicating, you’ll find a way to do it somehow! I’m always struggling to think of the right thing to say! #MyExpatFamily
Finding the right thing to say and then translating it. It takes me five minutes to get a response ready and by then the conversation has moved on. It’s why parties here are the worst for me! I can do a sit down dinner with another couple or two and have no problem talking the whole night, but big parties with lots of small and really loud music? The guests probably think I’ve never had a single Portuguese class. I can’t get understand anyone or get a complete sentence out.
Oh … the dreaded small talk. They love it here in Malaysia and sadly I seem to be a magnet for small talkers wherever we are in the world. It is rather a relief to know I am not the only one!
You’re definitely not the only one! At this point I’ve embraced my role as the reserved foreigner. I think it makes me more mysterious.
Death by small talk! I will say, however, that there are different levels of small talk. This weekend I was at a museum, viewing a photography exhibit. A woman observing the same photo with me suddenly said “I can’t believe how huge that plow mule looks. Do you think it’s really that big?” Now that’s intriguing small talk to me because it got me thinking and looking more closely at the photo. We decided it might be the extremely low camera angle that was adding to the animal’s massive appearance. I guess I’d call that medium talk.
My first thought is I really want to tell you how the pollen in Georgia is wreaking havoc with my nasal passages, but given your post, I’ll move on to my second thought. Social media has taken small talk to a whole new level — Isty bitsy, teenie weenie talk.
I totally agree with you on this topic. It made me think that talking about weather in a elevator is for smaltalking amateurs.