Or don’t…depending on the situation.
I have a secret to confess. I speak Portuguese. Please, don’t tell my mother-in-law.
I don’t speak Portuguese fluently. Nothing as impressive as that. I speak Portuguese like a 96-year-old suffering from extreme dementia. My sentences are punctuated by gestures and facial expression to stand-in for words I’ve forgotten, and my responses to questions sometimes have nothing to do with what was actually asked.
“Brynn, what did you do this weekend?”
“No, I don’t like mangoes.”
But more often than not, I can successfully converse, arrange appointments, and get the hair cut and color I actually want. (The correct hair color was something I mistakenly thought I could get after only recently arriving in Brazil with minimal Portuguese.)
While life is greatly improved now that I don’t consistently confuse Monday and Tuesday, there are times when I play the clueless foreigner card without hesitation. I should probably feel bad for perpetuating the ignorant, monolingual American stereotype, but it’s such an effective way to avoid all those tedious conversations that suck up patience and sanity: the chatty person with what sounds like TB at the doctor’s office, the perfume-drenched, close-talking lady from upstairs, all phone solicitors.
I always answer my phone with a thick, American, “Hello.” It’s the perfect screen. Family and friends obviously know where I’m from and aren’t thrown by it. Only salespeople freeze up and give themselves away with a long pause as they try to figure out what to do next. Some hang up. Some ask if they can speak to my husband. Others plow doggedly ahead with their scripts. I cut them all off and say sweetly in English, “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t speak Portuguese. Goodbye.” Click. Conversation over. The salesperson doesn’t feel bad about losing someone they couldn’t talk to. I’m back to watching John Oliver on YouTube. Win-win.
I first employed this trick in Morocco. Describing the young men in Morocco as persistent is like calling the Kardashians’ lifestyle “comfortable.” Tired of being unable to walk two blocks without being asked to dinner and then asked why I was refusing, I answered one man with Croatian song lyrics. Why Croatian? Because in almost every country other than the US, even misogynist assholes can speak more than one language. But with only four million Croatians in the world, I was pretty confident Croatian would not be one of his languages. I was right. The guy stopped talking to me after a couple sentences. He did still follow me all the way back to my hotel, but stalking is way less annoying when done in silence.
Playing dumb also helps avoid awkward conversations with in-laws and before you judge, just imagine Thanksgiving with your in-laws. What if you could avoid awkward conversations about politics or global-warming or when your daughter is getting baptized by simply fumbling the language? “Oh, what? When is she getting her booster shots? Next month.” Wouldn’t everyone be happier if there was just a lot of smiling and complementing of the food?
So before you get annoyed with the woman in the elevator for not speaking your language, check if you’re wearing deodorant, have brushed your teeth recently, and are saying something more interesting than the silence. Then be careful what you mumble out loud. There’s a chance she’s faking it.
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I was wondering if you were able to work with knowing such little portuguese?? Bjs
I have worked in Brazil but always in education and always in a context in which I could speak English. That’s a big reason why my language skills are embarrassingly stunted. (That and I’m a total coward.) I taught SAT prep and US college admission essay writing in Rio and then in Vitoria I taught at a private high school that offered a dual diploma, Brazilian and one from Texas. So I taught American Literature, British literature and economics all in English. This is all to say there is work in Brazil for people with limited Portuguese, especially in education, but you have to be proactive in finding it.
I also use the “I don’t speak French” line when I get cold calls. Most politely hang up although a few do try to speak in English until they invariably give up when they realise their level of English is not up to selling me solar panels! Yup – there are advantages of being an non native speaker! #ExpatLifeLinky
I’ve haven’t had to talk to a telemarketer in nine years! One day though I’m goign to get someone who speaks English and then I’ll be out of tricks.
Ok this is funny 🙂 I wish I could do it with my inlaws, alas we speak the same language lol.
#ExpatLifeLinky!
Yeah, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep using it on my in-laws. I’ve been there almost nine years now, so they probably just think I’m an idiot now. But I can live with that easier than regular conversation.
I definitely understand more Dutch than I can speak. Sometimes I’ll reply to someone, somewhere who doesn’t know me or my language skills and I’ll reply in English. But I’ll have forgotten that the question was in Dutch. Then they ask if I speak Dutch, and I’ll just say I’m learning. Usually I’ll get a smile and then get spoken to in English. Makes life easier…since the Dutch speak better English than most native speakers!
Found you on the #ExpatLifeLinky!
I definitely coasted by without learning much Portuguese in Rio de Janeiro because of all the English speakers and resources. I’d walk into a restuarant say two words in Portuguese and they’d hand me the English menu. Then I move to Vitoria (a much smaller city) and all the English disappeared. Then I had my duaghter and had to communicate with doctors, teachers, parents, so I finally started speaking Portuguese. But like you and Dutch…I still understand a lot more Portuguese than I can speak.
haha. I love this. I once accidentally responded to someone at a hotel asking me about my day with what I had for lunch. It was an hour later that I realized the mistake had happened. Oops. I’m in the Netherlands and have zero mastery of the language…I’m working on it. So, for now at least, I’m not pretending.
I was so worried about sounding like an idiot, I avoided speaking Portuguese for years. I’d get red faced and my heart rate would pick, I was so nervous about speaking the language. Then my daughter was born. I was forced to communicate and I no longer had the energy to invest in caring if people thought I was an idiot.
I LOL’d at “No, I don’t like mangos”
It’s funny and true!
Over the years, I have found that the response:
“Some thinkle peop so” gets them every time!