For the past seven years I’ve been writing a graphic novel. I only admitted this to a non-family member for the first time two years ago. I admitted it to close colleagues eight months ago, and then only because I had to give some reason for quitting my job. I was forced to tell my boss the embarrassing truth; I wanted to focus on becoming a writer. Specifically, I’m trying to sell a graphic novel.
Admitting this at work was awkward because none of my 40+ year-old colleagues here in Brazil had any idea what that was. “You’re quitting because you want to write comic books? Like Superman?”
“No, a graphic novel is a medium that can tell any story. They’re actually becoming more mainstream. A graphic memoir by a lesbian cartoonist about growing up with her closeted father who ran a funeral home was nominated for a National Book Critics award.” This explanation didn’t clarify anything for them.
As I suspected, once you tell people you are a writer and take the time to explain what it is you’re writing, they are going to ask about it. Every time they see you. This is why I never wanted to say anything. This is why I hoped to keep it secret until I could direct all inquisitors to their local bookstore where they would find my already published and acclaimed debut on the shelf.
I never called myself a writer because in my mind, a writer who has never published is a failed writer. I have a deeply rooted fear of failure, and so far all I have to show for my writing is 57 rejections.
I have only myself to blame. I chose to write a graphic novel, which is a growing but hardly massive market in the U.S. If I had written a romance or Young Adult, I’d be able to query a new agent a day for years. I set my story in Brazil with a poor, Afro-Brazilian protagonist. When I started writing, I had never read a graphic novel and had to google “format for a comic manuscript”. I’ve also never had a creative writing class in my life. And I can’t draw. At all. Not even a straight line with a ruler.
Thinking about it, 57 rejections aren’t so much surprising as inevitable.
When my husband and I conceived the story over dinner seven years ago, I was recently arrived in Brazil, with no job, and a lot of time on my hands. I outlined the story in detail, taught myself how to write a comic, and wrote the first 25 pages. I knew a story set in Rio de Janeiro should be illustrated. The visual contrast of the luxury and poverty of the city needed a visual element, but 25 pages into the story, my research was revealing extreme odds against ever getting published. Not being an illustrator, having no experience in comics or any area of publishing, and living in Brazil unable to attend conferences or network led me to save the project on a hard drive and forget it.
That was in 2008. I came back to it in 2013. I quietly finished a first draft and sent out a ton of bad queries for an unpolished manuscript and got back 55 polite “No, thank yous.” Naturally, I then decided to quit my job and pursue writing full-time.
Why? What made me finish the manuscript? What made me finally decide to not only pursue writing full-time but also publicly admit it? I became a mom.
My parenting philosophy is to model the behavior I want from my daughter. I want her to drink water at meals, so I drink water. I don’t want her to resort to physical violence, so I never use it on her. I want her to consider fruit a dessert, so I wait until she goes to bed to eat my ice cream.
More than anything I want my daughter to find her dream and follow it, so I damn well better follow mine.
I can’t tell her success takes hard work and dedication if I gave up after only 25 pages. I can’t tell her that failure is ok and a learning opportunity, if I abandon writing after 55 rejections on a first attempt at a first novel. I can’t tell her passion is a wonderful thing, if I’m too embarrassed to openly admit my own.
Today I have a polished and edited graphic novel manuscript, a critiqued query letter, 2 fresh rejections, and a strategy to pursue publication. I have a picture book manuscript recently sent off for critique. I have a detailed outline and the first 10,000 words of a young adult trilogy. I have this blog.
And when I do finally publish my first book, it will be dedicated to my daughter. Because if it weren’t for being a mom, I would never have become a writer.
