Category: Travel & Inspiration

  • Democracy By Cycle Rickshaw

    Democracy By Cycle Rickshaw

    Throwback to 2004 when I studied abroad in Jaipur, India. I remember that semester so vividly it doesn’t feel like 13 years ago. I wrote this essay in 2007 for the digital magazine Glimpse, which like my time in Jaipur is now a fond memory.

    Walking down a street in Jaipur, India, I heard what had become a familiar recorded political message blasting out over loudspeakers. The message was imploring people to vote for a particular party in the upcoming election. I turned the corner, expecting to see one of what I had affectionately termed the “propaganda trucks.” But instead of a truck, I saw a man on a cycle rickshaw that looked about ready to fall apart at the next pothole it hit. The rickshaw had two loudspeakers, duct-taped to the handlebars, and dangling wires that crisscrossed back to a stereo, which was also secured to the rickshaw with duct tape. I watched the man pedal by, the squeaking of the rickshaw drowned out by the message blasting repeatedly from the speakers. I was so moved by one of the most humble, yet dedicated, displays of democracy I had ever seen that I decided to take advantage of being in India during a parliamentary election to research local political campaigns.

    To begin my research, I followed a candidate during a day of campaigning in downtown Jaipur. A friend drove me to the market where the candidate was scheduled to make his first speech of the day. It was 7:00 a.m. and I was still brushing sleep from my eyes, but the market was already alive with people. A group of men was tossing heads of cabbage off a truck. Another group was passing some sort of melon down a line from a truck bed to the stand. Vendors were shouting, women were bargaining, chickens were clucking, and cows—well, they stayed quiet, but were standing resolutely in the middle of the street, inconveniencing everyone. The market was a swirl of activity amidst the brilliantly colored fruits and saris, making me feel as though I were walking through a kaleidoscope. A very noisy kaleidoscope. In the center of the market was a small stage decorated with marigolds, roses, and saffron and green Congress party banners.

    The candidate arrived about 7:40 a.m., and by 8:00 he had given his speech and started a small riot in the market. The crowd that gathered during his speech had been completely passive, almost indifferent to what was being said, but at the end of the speech some aides brought out boxes of sweets. When the first sweet was handed to a woman in the front of the audience, the impassive crowd suddenly turned violent, surging forward as if on command. Elbows dug into rib cages. Shirts were ripped. People were shoved to the ground. The noise of the market was now drowned out by the yelling of people desperately groping for a single piece of candy. The aides tossed the boxes of sweets into the air over the crowd and hastily retreated. I don’t know whether the sweets actually ended up in anyone’s mouth, or whether anyone ended up getting hurt. I didn’t get the chance to find out. My friend grabbed my elbow, pulling me off the stage.

    After successfully disrupting the daily routine of the market, it was off to a march and rally through the heart of downtown Jaipur. As I trailed behind the candidate I learned that a successful mobile political rally in India must include four things: 1) the previously mentioned “propaganda truck,” brightly decorated, and spewing party slogans through loudspeakers, 2) a group of school children with a sweet song to sing and rose petals to throw (if the kids can be in uniforms, they earn extra points on the “adorable scale”), 3) a memorable stunt of some kind that can be pictured in the newspaper, i.e. milking a cow, and 4) a passionate group of youths who can wave flags and chant nonstop for the entire three-hour walk. Combine these elements and a crowd of hundreds is guaranteed to have developed by the time a candidate has reached the platform where he will give his speech.

    Some lovely school children who literally showered the candidate with rose petals. I’m sure it was purely their own initiative.

    After walking in the intense Indian heat for over an hour, enough time for everyone to have giant sweat stains under their arms, we finally reached the platform. Some of the party leaders invited me to stand with them, and although standing on the stage put me a little closer to the campaign than I had wanted, I thought back to the small riot we had started in the marketplace earlier that morning and decided it was definitely better to be above the large crowd.

    The candidate finished his speech and the cheering crowd parted to allow him to walk to one of the propaganda trucks and climb on top, where there was a microphone hooked up to the truck’s loudspeakers. One of the party leaders turned and asked me if I wanted to go on top of the truck too. I definitely did not want to go on top of the truck. I was there to research a campaign, not endorse the man. I thought it somewhat unethical, not to mention awkward, to stand with him on the truck.

    I was explaining my feelings on the matter when I heard the candidate say “America” in the midst of a bunch of Hindi I didn’t understand. Hundreds of people simultaneously turned and looked at me. Well, so much for non-participatory observation. In a quick analysis of the situation I decided it might not be wise to insult the candidate in front of 300 of his supporters. My decision was helped by a path suddenly clearing in the middle of the sea of people and two leaders taking my elbows and propelling me to the ladder on the truck. With many reservations, I climbed onto to the truck’s roof and stood next to the candidate.

    We drove around to the point I had absolutely no idea where I was. I admit to second guessing my earlier decision making at that point.

    We spent the rest of the afternoon riding around stopping in every new neighborhood for the candidate to make a speech. The lack of seat belt, roof, walls or anything else designed to keep those of on top of the truck from falling off made it difficult for me to take notes. I spent most of the drive clutching the single, skinny guardrail that ran around the edge of the roof. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know anyone else in the truck. I didn’t know how I was getting back home. I was grateful to the candidate for letting me tag along but I found myself thinking it might have been better to research a topic that kept me in a library on solid ground.

    Fortunately, I made it off the truck, with only one awkward moment right at the end when a party leader asked if I would say a few words about the candidate into the microphone. At first I thought he was kidding but he pulled out a piece of paper with a few sentences written in Hindi and told me he would teach me exactly what to say. I had started the day as an impartial observer and ended the day being asked to give a public endorsement over the loudspeakers. I was not about to support a perfect stranger or give a statement I didn’t even understand. At the risk of offending my hosts, I politely declined and climbed off the truck at the next stop.

    While the campaigns I observed in India were similar in many ways to U.S. political campaigns, they were ultimately, unmistakably Indian. There were the superficial differences: the garlands, turbans, saffron and green banners, the traditional white dress worn by male candidates and the saris worn by women candidates. On a deeper level, the wide variety of political parties vying for power reflects the wide variety of ethnicities, religions and linguistic groups that all live within the world’s largest democracy. A three-hour walking tour is the only way to reach a constituency that does not own televisions or radios. While India currently celebrates its technological advances, I believe its greatest achievement is bringing democracy to one billion citizens—democracy that is delivered when necessary by cycle rickshaw.

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  • A Random Street in Rabat

    A Random Street in Rabat

    This is a flashback to my first published essay! It appeared in 2007 in the now defunct digital magazine Glimpse, a National Geographic Imprint. It’s about the first day of my study abroad program in Rabat, Morocco in Sepetember, 2003. I’m feeling very old now.

    A Random Street in Rabat

    It did not take me long after announcing my study abroad plans to realize that “abroad” for most of the people I knew meant Western Europe or Australia. Any other country was not so much abroad as another planet. The first time I mentioned Morocco to family or friends there was usually a momentary pause as people first, tried to place Morocco on a map, and second tried to figure out why I wanted to spend a significant amount of time there. Australia they could understand. It has beaches and people with funny accents. Italy has pasta and Prada. The only thing Morocco has is a city named after a Humphrey Bogart film.

    While many people didn’t know what countries Morocco borders they did know it is Islamic and predominantly Arab. This was cause for concern among friends and family. Being what one of my professors calls a “good liberal” I believed I was above the negative generalizations many of my friends and family made. When my less open-minded family and friends living sheltered lives in Georgia, asked why I would want to study in a country where I was likely to get assaulted simply for being American, I’d give an exasperated sigh and patiently (maybe ever so condescendingly) explain that “all Arabs are not terrorists and they do not spend their afternoons looking for Americans to beat with sticks.” I scolded my friends for being so ethnocentric as to believe Arabs were inherently more violent than Americans. I prided myself on avoiding the negative stereotyping of Arabs and Muslims many of my friends and family engaged in and as an open-minded, good, liberal, university student I arrived in Casablanca with my program group on September 2, 2003.

    On September 3, I found myself all alone, completely lost, standing on a street corner in Rabat. That was the day of the Drop Off–the morning our program directors piled all 22 students on a bus, drove us around Rabat until we had no directional bearings whatsoever, and dropped us off one by one on random street corners throughout the city. Our first full day in Morocco and each of us was left stranded on a different street corner with no maps, no cell phones, and no idea how to even pronounce the street our hotel was on. The only thing we had was an assignment. Get back to the hotel by 1 o’clock. Welcome to Morocco and good luck.

    As the bus pulled away it kicked up a huge cloud of dust, which settled adding to the already thick layer on the cars parked along the curb. Across the street was a clay wall, stretching as far as I could see in both directions. “Where am I?!” Panic is an interesting sensation and watching the bus pull away with the teachers and students I was convinced I would never see again, I got to experience heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping, rational-thought-inhibiting, panic.

    As I frantically looked around I noticed one opening in the wall flanked by two heavily armed Moroccan soldiers. I had heard stories about corrupt police officers in developing countries, about the actions of local military around the world who were supposed to be protecting refugees in various places, and decided the best direction to start walking would be away from the men with guns, uniform or no uniform. It would be much later before I realized this was my first decision in Morocco based entirely on a stereotype.

    I walked down a few residential streets, which were of course deserted. Where were all those people I had seen out on the streets the day before? Where were the market streets I glimpsed through the bus windows bustling with people and literally humming with energy? I was desperate to find a person, and it appeared I had been dropped off on the only street in Rabat where no one was selling anything. I wanted to find people, and I wanted to find them before the band of angry Islamic fundamentalists rounded the corner and stoned me.

    Yes, that was one of the many thoughts running through my head as I tried to keep myself together. Despite all my boasting about being above the negative stereotyping of Arabs many friends and family engaged in, as I stood on the sidewalk of an unknown street somewhere in Rabat, I was genuinely afraid I was going to be harassed, beaten, or worse by those “fanatical Arabs.” So much for being a good liberal who doesn’t stereotype. I was alone, in a completely foreign country, with no knowledge of the language, or the culture, or where in God’s name my hotel was–and in that panic I embraced the most negative, racist stereotypes that had ever been presented in Western media. I wanted to go back to the time when being liberal meant eating vegan chocolate cake and discussing Said’s definition of orientalism on the quad of my $34,000 a year university in Northwest Washington, DC. While I walked, my mind kept repeating, “What am I doing here? I’m a white girl from Snellville, Georgia USA, where all the teenagers wear ‘what would Jesus do?’ bracelets. Why didn’t I study abroad in London with all of my friends?”

    After what seemed like forever, but of course in these situations is really only a minute or two, I found a street with stores, cafes and, most importantly, a group of women standing on a corner not far in front of me. I walked up to them and steeled myself for all the anti-American sentiment I was certain would come spewing forth. Then a funny thing happened. When I said the name of the main road near our hotel all the women started smiling and pointing. One woman in what looked like a long brown nightshirt (I later learned it is called a djellabah) and a cream hijab, took my elbow and guided me down the street so I could see where she was pointing. The others followed all smiling and telling me the way.

    Visiting the beaches of Rabat with my homestay family! My little brother and sister for four months.

    Unfortunately they were telling me in Arabic of which I knew not one word. I did, however, get the general direction, and I started walking that way. As I walked, it occurred to me the women had been nice. They had been helpful. Nobody had given me a mean look or angry gesture. They had read my body language, figured out I was lost, and pointed me in the right direction. I began thinking, “Maybe other people I meet would be nice too? Maybe I’ll get back to the hotel alive?” Things were looking up.

    I approached a young couple walking down the street and they stopped and gave me very detailed directions in French smiling the entire time. It took about three sentences from the couple for me to realize that I had seriously overestimated my French skills on my program application, but I understood enough to get turned down the right street. I was getting closer and I had talked to two groups of people who had been more than happy to help me. The panic was slowly being replaced by a sense of confidence and a sneaking suspicion nobody was going to kill me along the way.

    Finally, while I was standing on a corner with my facial expressions screaming, “I am totally lost,” a young man came up and asked politely in French if he could help. I explained that I was looking for my hotel and that I didn’t speak French all that well. He smiled and said slowly that he knew where the hotel was, it wasn’t far and he would walk me to it. And that is exactly what he did. I don’t where he had been going or what his afternoon plans had been, but this man took twenty minutes out of his day to walk some random and confused foreigner to the door of her hotel. I was grateful and shocked by how generous this man had been with his time.

    As pleasantly surprising as this man’s generosity had been it was not the biggest surprise of the day. I was struck to the core when I walked into the hotel’s lobby and saw it was filled with students and all the Moroccans who had taken the time to help each of us find our way back. As we breathlessly shared our stories at increasing levels of volume, it became evident that every student made it back to the hotel through the generosity of complete strangers who were willing to take time out of their day to help another person. We had not experienced any kind of anti-American sentiment; in fact most of us had gotten incredibly positive reactions toward Americans. I hadn’t come across a flag or Bush effigy burning in the street. I had been in Morocco one full day and I had already had an exciting and liberating adventure, which introduced to many touchingly generous people and brought me face to face with my own hidden stereotypes.

    When the rush of having successfully followed someone who knew exactly where he was going began to ebb I was forced to face the humbling fact of how quickly, and without any good reason, I had thought the worst of all the people around me. It turned out, after all my pre-departure pontificating I had at some point internalized the same negative stereotypes of Arab Muslims I was consciously trying to avoid. I knew the first step to ridding myself of these stereotypes was admitting I had them in the first place.

    The program staff was amazing!!!

    Recognizing and then confronting stereotypes is one of the most difficult parts of traveling to another country and it seems unfair that a person should be forced to do this while jet-lagged, sleep-deprived, and trying not to get lost every time she ventures out of her hotel, this last one being especially difficult when the street signs are written in a different alphabet. Unfortunately, travelers have no choice because it usually only takes landing at the airport to realize just how far off your preconceptions were. Failing to identify your own stereotypes and the information that led to their creation will be the cause of hair-pulling frustration and anger at the people for not being exactly the way you had imagined them in your head. While tenaciously clinging to stereotypes, particularly if they are negative, will also blind a person to the wonderful and fascinating realities and practices of any culture. Recognizing stereotypes for what they are, imagined realities based on limited information, and preparing yourself to leave them behind as you learn and observe the reality from within the culture, are essential in order to make the transition into a new culture.

    This picture has nothing to do with the article except that it was taken during my semester in Morocco. I just wanted to share it.

     

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  • A Different Part of the Pig: Volunteering in Croatia

    A Different Part of the Pig: Volunteering in Croatia

    Today is a Throwback Thursday post. I was cleaning out old files and discovered this essay I wrote about a memorable lunch with my homestay family while volunteering in Croatia during the summer of 2003. I wrote it in 2007 for a contest at a now defunct magazine. It was one of the first pieces of creative non-fiction I ever wrote and thought it would be fun to share because the question raised are some I still ask myself daily living in Brazil. (Also, this past week was Carnaval, so I haven’t had time to write anything new.)

     

    A Different Part of the Pig

    Koprivnica, Croatia

    It was with something less than enthusiasm that I sat down for lunch next to my host sister.  I had never quite understood what indigestion was, but after three weeks of eating plates of fried meat swimming in its own fat, I could now write an epic poem to its effects.  Unfortunately, the small little village of Zdala, Croatia, where I was teaching, had only 600 people and no CVS with shelves of antacids to choose from.  So, while I was thoroughly enjoying the rewards and challenges of teaching English to the local kids, the prospect of three more weeks of potatoes, bread and meat drowned in liquid fat made each meal a bit of a trial.

     

    Zdala, Croatia

    I was staying in Zdala with a generous family who had volunteered to house me while I was teaching.  They weren’t receiving any kind of money or stipend for their trouble. I also knew from my walks around the village with my host sisters that no family in the village had resources to waste.  Every house in Zdala had its own small farm and animals that supplied the staples for each meal.  Knowing this, I couldn’t refuse to accept their generosity, even if it made my stomach feel like a beach ball blown up to the point of bursting.  What would my host family think if I turned down the large helping of meat specially prepared for me and asked for a cucumber instead?

     

    My adorable homestay sister

    As I looked at the table that afternoon, it looked pretty much like every other lunch.  Potatoes and onions, bread (which was homemade, amazing, and the one thing I was never sorry to see) and a large dish of meat stacked in the center of a shinning pool of grease.  But there was something different on the meat this day.  It was placed directly on top of the meat, like the star on a Christmas tree.  A grayish, jiggly star.  Oh no.  I looked at my host mother and grandmother on the opposite side of the table.  There was no way I could discreetly ask my host sister what it was that jiggled at the top of the meat tower. And I knew as the guest, I was going to be offered the first helping.

    These amazing kids chose to attend English classes during their summer vacation!

    That summer in Croatia was my first time living abroad, and the first time I had ever lived with a family other than my own.  I was desperate to make a good impression.  I wanted them to like me and not write me off as one of the arrogant Americans I had heard the cousin talk about.  But I do not eat food that jiggles.  I have had a lifelong no-jiggly-food policy.  I believe that orange Jell-O is the worst food ever invented.  I was sure my family would offer the jiggly thing to me, and I wasn’t sure I could tactfully refuse it on the grounds that it jiggled.

    I was still staring at this piece of grayish, jiggly matter when Granny spooned it out and sure enough, offered it in my direction.  I looked down at the offered spoon and saw them, two slits in the flat top of the fat.  Oh God!  It was a nose.  I was being offered a pig’s nose.  I looked across the table at Granny.  Here was a sweet old woman, smiling kindly and holding out a large spoon with a pig’s nose nestled in it.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up.

    Coming face to face—or, more accurately, face to nose—with a pig nose in a spoon, I knew it could be considered hypocritical to eat some parts of the pig but be repulsed by others.  I was clearly the only one there who found a pig’s nose on the table unusual. I didn’t want to seem rude.  I had come on my first trip abroad prepared to try new things. I was ready to be open-minded, but apparently not open-mouthed. I knew my family couldn’t afford to waste any part of the animal, but I couldn’t eat the nose. I wanted to adapt to Croatian culture, but I couldn’t deny who I was either.  What level of discomfort was I supposed to be willing to accept in order to avoid offending my hosts?  Where should I, or could I, draw the line?

    As it turned out, I didn’t have to answer those questions on that day.  My hesitation (and possibly the shade of green on my face) had tipped off my host family that I was not accustomed to eating this particular part of the pig.  They started laughing, and my sister said I didn’t have to eat it if I didn’t want to.  She didn’t like pig noses, either.  But Granny loved them.  And with that, Granny put the nose on her plate, scooped it up with her own spoon, and slurped it into her mouth.  I knew I would never see Granny in the same way after that.

    My family enjoyed teasing me with other animal parts over the next weeks, like a chicken beak in the soup.  I was so thrilled they didn’t think I was rude that I didn’t even protest when a chicken’s foot was placed right on the middle of my plate.  In retrospect, I could have saved myself some panic if I had just explained that where I come from, we don’t eat noses.  After all, the family didn’t want me eating or doing anything I felt uncomfortable with.

    I still struggle with the question of how far I should go in adapting to different cultures.  There is a balance.  I could not have expected my host family to provide me the exact same foods I had at home.  It was impossible to make Zdala like home.  Living in another country means being uncomfortable and trying things that are often scary.  But at the same time, I cannot reject my own culture and my own feelings.  How far should I go?  Where do I draw the line?  It changes.  I haven’t found the balance yet.  I do have one line that doesn’t move though.  It’s just in front of the pig’s nose.

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  • 10 Tips to Enjoy Rio de Janeiro

    10 Tips to Enjoy Rio de Janeiro

    Rio 1 2008-82Alright, now that we’ve covered 10 ways to avoid trips to the police station and hospital in the last post, it’s time fill up all that vacation time with the second half of my list.

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    This one young tourist is feelin’ good after visiting Sugar Loaf and Praia Vermelha!
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    So cute!!!

    11. Sugar Loaf  or Pão de Açucar in Portuguese but that ão sound is crazy hard to make, so I think visitors to Brazil can be forgiven for using Sugar Loaf. In my opinion if you have a choice between Christ the Redeemer on Corcovado or Sugar Loaf, pick Sugar Loaf. The most crowded day I’ve been on Sugar Loaf involved 50% fewer people than my most crowded trip up Corcovado. (And let’s assume any day sightseeing during the Olympics will be in contention for “most crowded”.) Both sites have amazing views of Rio, but Sugar Loaf and Morro da Urca (the smaller mountain next to Sugar Loaf) have more space to wander around the forest, including a trail that wraps around the bottom of Morro da Urca and offers a great chance of seeing micos (the little marmosets you might remember from the movie Rio), blue butterflies, and all kinds of birds and other local animals. Yay, micos! Then you stop and have lunch at Praia Vermelha (Red Beach). That is a great morning!

    It's those same tourists again. This time visiting Praça XV in front of the Paço Imperial.
    It’s those same tourists again. This time visiting Praça XV in front of the Paço Imperial.

    12. Arco do Teles You can go back to colonial Rio by walking around this street off of the square Praça XV. I recommend going for lunch and grabbing a prato feito, a daily set menu that usually includes a choice of meat, rice, beans, french fries, and salad. Then go back across the square to Arlequim, a fabulous music & book inside the Paço Imperial, the former Imperial Palace. The store is a great place to pick up books and music from Brazil and grab a coffee and dessert.

    23313. Walk Along Copacabana Pretty self explanatory. The rules for beach going apply. Wear your shorts, tshirt and flip flops, bringing a little cash tucked away. Work out attire is fine too. The sidewalk will be full of people jogging and riding bikes. Grab a coconut to drink and stop and watch a game of footvolley. It’s volleyball played with your feet and it’s awesome.

    14. Confeitaria Columbo Oh man, go to the downtown (Centro) location late in the afternoon after you’ve spent the day walking and feel you deserve a generous reward. Confeitaria Columbo is a gorgeous Belle epoque cafe and both the decor and dessert are amazing. They do offer meals and salty snacks, but you’ll regret that choice when you see the desserts being delivered to other tables. I recommend the rabanada, a Brazilian version of french toast, or anything else on the menu honestly.

    IMG_070615. Juice Crawl A staple of Rio is restaurants and kiosks specializing in fruit juice. The variety of fruit available to be freshly squeezed is astonishing and I can promise, no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to try juice from every fruit on the menu. My cousin made the most valiant effort I’ve ever seen, and even after consuming 2.5 liters of liquid during a walk from Leblon to Ipanema, she’d not tasted a quarter of the fruits on the menus.

    IMG_138716. Jardim Botanico A beautiful Botanical Garden that offers a welcome chance to slow down and enjoy the tropical flora and fauna of Rio, including Tucans and parrots. There are beautiful plants there too, but I’m more of animal person. I remember the snack area having some super friendly stray cats, which my husband was a lot less thrilled about.

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    Two American tourists enjoying their informative yet enjoyable audio guides! Their big sister definitely did not order them to smile for this picture.

    17. Museu Histórico Nacional If you like history or would just like to know something about Brazil other than it’s affinity for soccer and barbecue, visit the National History Museum. They have guided audio tours in a variety languages. You can hear Dom Pedro’s famous speech when he refused to to return to the Court of Portugal and declared himself emperor of an independent Brazil or learn about Princess Isabel who finally ended slavery in Brazil in 1894.

    P101019718. Churrasco If you eat beef, you need to do so while in Brazil. Find a churrasco. Just type “churrasco Rio de Janeiro” into Google. They’ll probably be one within two blocks of wherever you’re standing. Brazilian know how to cook meat and they cook every part of the cow. Go for lunch and then plan on laying down for the rest of the day.

    P101061619. Watch Some Capoeira I’m sure there will be groups playing capoeira in the parks and beaches during the Olympics. With the exception of açaí, I don’t think there is a more uniquely Brazilian export. Capoeira is a Brazilian martial practiced to music and dance. I wrote a post explaining the history and practice of capoeira. For now, I’ll just say if you see a circle of people wearing white, singing and clapping, while two people dance around each other in the middle, stop and watch for a few minutes.

    IMG_201020. Beer, Snacks, and a Lovely View at Bar Urca This is a more personal recommendation. Back in our childless Rio days, my husband and I lived very close to the Urca neighborhood, which sits just on the inside of Guanarbara in the shadow of Sugar Loaf. The neighborhood is quiet with beautiful houses and a magnificent view of the bay and Rio. Bar Urca is just across the street from the water. Late afternoon you should go grab a beer or soda, a basket of pasteis, take them to the stone wall overlooking the water, and enjoy the view and company. You won’t regret it.

    That’s it. I’m out of suggestions and advice. There are of course so many more things to do and ways to get into trouble than I’ve mentioned in my post. I don’t surf, so I can’t advise on best beaches for waves. I’m not a thrill seeker and have never had any desire to go hang gliding in Rio, and I’m not much of a live music in a bar person. The city of Bossa Nova is wasted on me. But Rio is known for all of these things. Rio has a lot to offer tourists than the beach and a stomach bug.

    You can see from the pictures, we’ve had family of all ages visiting Rio and Brazil for years and our biggest emergency has been running out of toilet paper in the apartment. With a little planning and a few precautions, Rio de Janeiro can be an amazing experience. Just leave the passport in the room and bring the bug spray.

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  • 10 Tips to Survive Rio de Janeiro

    10 Tips to Survive Rio de Janeiro

    IMG_2008Last week my family and I were waiting in the citizens service area of the US Consulate in Rio de Janeiro, and I overhead a young man pouring out a pretty tragic story to the consulate staff standing opposite the bullet proof glass. He’d been robbed and had lost every single form of id, all his credit cards, and all his cash. He was left with no proof of identity whatsoever.

    My husband and I cringed at the guy’s story. As a woman, I know we shouldn’t blame the victim. A person should be able to walk down any street with his house deed and gold bullion spilling out of his pockets without the threat of violence. But dude! You walked around Rio with all of your documents in your pockets? Come on!

    IMG_1990Because I have been a recently arrived foreigner in Rio without a word of Portuguese other than Obrigada and with the Rio Olympics opening in less than week, I’ve written down some tips to help visitors survive enjoy their time in Rio. The tips are gathered from my own experience in Rio and the advice my Carioca (native of Rio de Janeiro) husband gave me when I first arrived.

    1. Leave Your Passport in the Hotel Safe  Do not walk around Rio with your passport in your back pocket. Take a driver’s license, or even better a student id, just something with a picture and name so that your body could be identified. (I’m not saying you’ll be shot. Even though Rio does have an incredibly high violent crime rate, you’re much more likely to die in a car accident or crushed by a hastily constructed bikeway.)
    2. Carry Cash Only or 1 Credit Card at Most Every touristy area in the world has pickpockets and canceling stolen cards is a major pain. Save yourself the worry. Also, withdraw a bunch of cash at the airport (Don’t carry it all at once or in the same pocket), so you can leave your ATM card back at the hotel too.
    3. Speaking of Cash…Always Have Small Bills  Many taxi drivers will tell you they cannot break a fifty. They will swear to it on their mother’s life, and then demand you pay them with what you have. Unless you enjoy arguing in Portuguese, always have 10s and 20s on you. Small bills are also more convenient for food vendors and stalls in the markets.
    4. Carry a Purse/Backpack But Don’t Put Your Cards or Phone In It  This advice I got from my husband my first day in Rio. Many women in Rio carry dummy purses with an old wallet that has some cash. Their credit card and id are in a back pocket.
    5. Don’t Wear A Lot of Jewelry  I know. We should all be able to wear whatever we want whenever we want, but maybe while on vacation in a foreign country it’s best to accept reality as is and save showy displays of wealth for your home turf. Wearing your gold necklaces and diamond rings will not in anyway improve your trip. Leave them at home. Besides Cariocas are generally a casual beach people. If you want to blend in, you should be going around in shorts and flip flops anyway.
    6. And if you want to Blend in…Sunscreen!  The surest way to find the tourists strolling through Ipanema is to look for the pinkest people. Even though it’s winter in Brazil, last week was 80 in Rio, and the sun was intense. I know. We had to walk around downtown in direct sun with an impatient preschooler. Pack sunscreen (It will be crazy expensive in Rio) and use it.
    7. What You Bring to the Beach: Towel, Flip Flops, and Cash Tucked in Your Bathing Suit  That’s it people. You leave the hotel already in your bathing suit & cover up and carry nothing other than your towel. You can rent chairs and buy snacks on the beach. This was a huge cultural adaptation for me. I come from Atlanta, and my family’s summer trips to the beach involved a cooler, a half dozen canvas totes, and a wheelbarrow. True statement.
    8. The Ocean is For Admiring Not Swimming At this point most people have heard about Rio’s toxic bay and surrounding waters. I do feel a bit like I’m beating a dead horse that died from a super bacteria picked up after drinking out of Guanabara Bay, and I have taken lots of pictures of children playing happily in the water at Ipanema and Leblon beaches. But those local kids have immunity that visitors don’t. If you want to take the very real risk of spending your vacation hydrating on a bathroom floor, then by all means, dive in.
    9. Deet I recommend insect repellent with the highest level of deet that doesn’t immediately give you cancer. Mosquitoes are a problem in Rio. Any exploration around the bay or into the forests around Rio absolutely demands bug spray. You do not want dengue! Sorry…what about zika? Oh sure, zika is terrible if contracted while pregnant for its potential to pass on devastating birth defects. Dengue can straight up kill you. It did kill 843 people in Brazil last year, and this years there’s been about 9 times more dengue cases than zika. Either way, dengue or zika, you’re gonna want to use repellent.
    10. Be Alert Don’t be the idiot that’s so focused on getting the perfect selfie you’ve failed to realize you’re group of obvious tourists is alone on the street. My husband looks over both shoulders every few seconds when walking through Rio out of habit. He’s confirmed this level of vigilance is every bit as exhausting you’d imagine, but he developed the habit after being robbed twice. Just pick a designated driver for your group. Someone who can be in charge of risk management while everyone else has a good time.

    IMG_0033This is the most depressing list of travel advice. I realize that. But before angry Cariocas start posting in the comment stream about the foreigner who doesn’t appreciate their magnificent city, I’m going to do a second post on all the great experiences in Rio. Now that everyone knows how to stay safe, I can recommend awesome things to do with the free time not being used up with emergency trips to the consulate or hospital. Come back on Wednesday for 10 Tips to Enjoy Rio.

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  • Hamilton: A Musical & My Inspiration

    Hamilton: A Musical & My Inspiration

    IMG_2282I recently confessed to planning an entire trip to New York City around a preschooler. Housing, excursions, food…It was all for her. With the exception of Tuesday night. Because while our daily itinerary was planned around her, she was not the reason for the trip. Hamilton was the reason for trip. Ok, fine. My obsession with Hamilton was the reason for the trip.

    You can explain Hamilton in one sentence. Hamilton is a new musical on Broadway about one of the Founding Fathers of the United States. You can explain Hamilton in a thousand sentences. And even a thousand sentences, based on the endless articles, tv interviews, books, upcoming documentary, and record breaking ticket sales, isn’t enough to fully convey the extraordinary phenomenon that is Hamilton. It is the hottest ticket in New York City and my personal inspiration for over a year.

    I first heard about Hamilton from my parents in Atlanta. During our weekly Facetime, they mentioned watching a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about a new musical off-Broadway that I’d probably like given my love of theater and American history. It was about a founding father and used rap and hip hop music. They couldn’t remember the creator’s name during the conversation, but they knew he’d written both the score and the lyrics. I knew immediately who they had to be talking about. Lin-Manuel Miranda. I had the soundtrack to his first musical In the Heights. I’d watched his improvised Tony acceptance rap on YouTube a few times. I’d loved his guest spot on House.

    I went on YouTube and found the Sunday Morning segment.

    This segment was posted on YouTube on March 8, 2015, so my obsession with Hamilton has lasted fifteen months and is still going strong.

    After watching the CBS report, I began hunting the internet for articles, clips, interviews, anything related to Hamilton. I’d manage to go a few weeks without typing “Hamilton Musical” into the search box. Just long enough for there to be new hits when I inevitably sent Google scouring again.

    IMG_2301I’ve never been one to fangirl. I have loved movies and cheered in the stands for a favorite team. But I’ve never painted my entire face and worn a giant foam hat chanting in unison in below freezing temperatures. I’ve never spent six months salary on replica Storm Troopers costume and blaster. I’ve never loved anything enough to wait in line for more than one hour.

    Until Hamilton.

    In late September my husband asked what I wanted for our anniversary. “There’s only one thing I want. To see Hamilton on Broadway.” I said this with zero expectation it would happen. I answered honestly to let him off the hook from having to shop for a present I’d certainly appreciate but wouldn’t have desperately wanted. I’d accepted my contact with Hamilton would be through the cast album and YouTube videos. Planning a trip from Brazil to New York City with a four-year old just to see a musical was totally ridiculous.

    IMG_2290A week later my husband said “Let’s do it. Let’s go to New York.”

    I immediately called my parents. If there was a chance for this to work we’d need babysitters. I love my kid, but if she threw a tantrum in the middle of Act I, it would be a life threatening situation for her. Fortunately, my parents are always up for a trip north of the Mason-Dixon line.

    I bought our Hamilton tickets on October 20, 2015 for May 24, 2016. I’d have to wait seven months, but I was able to buy the tickets directly from the box office at face value. At the time, I had no idea what a huge deal that would turn out to be. I must have been the last average person to get seats at face value. By the time I posted pictures of the event on Facebook, the most common response was some version of “How the hell did you get tickets?!”

    With everything booked and paid for, the only thing left to do was cross my fingers and hope that on Tuesday, May 24, 2016, Lin-Manuel Miranda would be in excellent health and onstage. For as amazing as the musical seemed, seeing Miranda perform was equally important to me. He’d become an unwitting mentor to my fledgling writing career.

    IMG_2052At the same time as Hamilton was debuting off-Broadway in early 2015, I quit my job as a teacher to devote myself to writing and publishing my first novel. I was anxious. I was antsy. I’d given myself two years to get an agent. I announced this to family and friends not realizing that two years is a laughably short time in the publishing world. Congressional cycles come faster than novel debuts. But I was ignorant of the alternate reality publishing exists in and worried that at 32 years old I was running out of time to build a career.

    When I was at my highest levels of anxiety, I’d rewatch a segment on Hamilton done by MSNBC. (Seriously, I’ve watched hours of Hamilton content on YouTube.) Miranda is asked what advice he’d give his younger self, and he says “Life is long not short…To really get it right, you think ‘Oh my gosh, look at this amazing first draft’ then you realize what ten whacks at it can do to it.” In the same interview, Miranda reveals he spent one year writing “My Shot”. One year for one song.

    This was a crucial lesson I hadn’t yet learned about creative genius. It doesn’t happen in the first draft. Oh, the foundation might be there. The roots of something amazing may have taken hold but what is considered great is never someone’s first draft. Great work requires patience. That was a revelation.

    Suddenly all the advice about getting beta readers and critique partners and the moaning of authors on twitter about fourth and fifth drafts weren’t the words of struggling writers but the necessary practices of good writers. No book sitting on a shelf at a book store is a first draft.

    Confession. I made it through high school with top grades and never wrote a second draft. I thought second drafts were for losers. Turns out I didn’t know everything at eighteen.

    Because here’s Miranda, a Tony Award winner who can improvise a mind blowing acceptance speech in verse, saying it took him a year to write one song. Another article mentioned how he was tweaking lyrics right up until the recording of the cast album. The New York times talked about how he struggled to write the ending going through multiple versions. The book Hamilton: The Revolution is about the years of collaboration and work that went into Hamilton.

    IMG_2287Those years paid off. Hamilton was the most amazing theater experience of my life. I was in tears before the opening number was over. It was epic because every detail was right. I remember the way the lights changed at a stomp of King George’s foot to fabulous comedic effect. I remember Jefferson’s truly spectacular purple ensemble for his grand entrance in Act II. The intensity with which Leslie Odom Jr. delivered every line. Miranda’s complete breakdown after Hamilton’s forgiven by his wife. The banjo in “Room Where it Happens”. God, I love that banjo. The ensemble member who traces the trajectory of that fatal bullet in slow motion. It was all perfect.

    IMG_0011And that level of perfection takes patience. You can’t nail every detail at the same time. You have to tweak them one by one over the course of weeks, months, and years with constant feedback and help. I’m trying to keep that in mind when I grit my teeth at the prospect of reworking my first chapter for the tenth time. When I get feedback from an editor saying this is great just rework these parts, and I’m so very tempted to interpret this is “this is great” as “this is good enough” and be done with it. Patience is a challenge for me. Accepting that “life is long” and I do have years to get it right is very difficult for me.

    Thankfully, I have Miranda and Hamilton for inspiration to remind me that good enough is not great. I can just listen to his words. Or read his book. Wear the t-shirt. Look at the poster. Drink from the mug. Or the water bottle…

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  • NYC in a Preschooler’s Posse

    NYC in a Preschooler’s Posse

    IMG_2399We just got home after a week-long family vacation in New York City! I’ve been to New York City three times before, but this was my first visit as part of a preschooler’s posse. Our little Diva, with all of her four and a half years, was the central figure around which all activities were planned. If she wouldn’t like it or eat it or wait for it, then we didn’t do it. By we I mean, Mommy, Daddy, Gramma, and Grandpa aka The Posse.

    My husband and I have declared New York our most successful vacation since Diva came home from the hospital.

    I understand there are some people who might balk at spending a week in New York in the service of an illiterate, cookie-craving overload, but the fact we were willing to put the Diva’s needs first and foremost is why our trip was a resounding success for everyone involved.

    You have to understand I’m not calling my child Diva for lack of a more creative nickname. If we define diva behavior as being irrationally demanding and prone to outbursts over minor inconveniences while assuming she is the center of everyone’s universe, then most preschoolers are divas. In addition, my daughter has some residual effects from an extended stay in the NICU which has left her “fight or flight response” on a very light trigger. Not her fault but still, her easy trigger leaves everyone in her posse scrambling to avoid both the fit and blunt objects likely to be thrown when an unexpected change in plans occurs. So the title Diva fits. And nobody wants a diva to start throwing or smearing snot on things in an art museum.

    Our first consideration for the Diva was housing. To accommodate our Diva’s need for a quiet, calm retreat after a super stimulating day, we got out of Manhattan and rented a house in Queens. Corona is a delightful neighborhood bustling with families and charming restaurants filled with locals who seem to burst into song on a fairly regular basis. Between the Italian serenade we got over breakfast one morning and the Latin dance music pouring out from the restaurant across the street, Corona felt like living in a musical.

    IMG_2322The hour subway ride into Manhattan or the car service were a small price to pay for the luxury of having a house with a den and backyard patio. The Diva is highly prone to outbursts when tired, so we wrapped up our sightseeing around 5pm everyday and spent the nights hanging out at the house. It was a stress-free way to end each day and allowed us to assume the role of local New Yorker for the week.

    What did my Diva want out of a week in the Greatest City in the World? Playgrounds.

    IMG_2177Our week in New York was a tour of playgrounds and any museums that happened to be close by, starting with the Science Playground at the New York Hall of Science. This hands-on museum geared toward young kids was just down the street from our house in Queens. Even many of the indoor exhibits were basically highly educational playgrounds, particularly the exhibit on physics in sports. My daughter particularly loved the rope jungle gym and giant see-saw bridge.

    Our second day was all about the dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History but before we got into the museum, a detour through Central Park led the Diva to Diana Ross Playground. I swear she has sonar for playgrounds. We did manage to get inside the museum with the promise of dinosaurs and the special exhibit “Dinosaurs Among Us” was a highlight of the trip. The exhibit wants people to understand that dinosaurs are actually still around. We just call them birds today.

    Turns out dinosaurs were basically demon chickens.
    Turns out dinosaurs were basically demon chickens.

    The Diva enjoyed literally yanking her posse from one amazing feather-covered dinosaur recreation to the next. It wasn’t until we hit the gift shop that the first meltdown occurred. There was no stuffed velociraptor.

    The near hour of tears shed over the unattainable stuffed velociraptor is a good example of how I know without doubt the Diva’s meltdown’s are not an attempt at manipulation or the result of being overindulged. Because she could have gotten any toy in shop. After thirty minutes of sobbing in the most profound disappointment, the Diva had four posse members ready to drop all their disposable income. But she didn’t want anything the store had to offer. She was fixated on a stuffed velociraptor and couldn’t let it go. The best her posse could do was offer a relatively quiet spot near the triceratops skeleton and some chocolate chip cookies. Eventually, she accepted some small dinosaur figurines and a blue whale viewing.

    IMG_2267Day three’s plan to see the knights’ armor at the Metropolitan Museum of Art was immediately abandoned upon sight of the Ancient Playground next door to the museum. The playground’s stonework gave it a castle feel and the Diva unsurprisingly played for over two hours. What did surprise everyone was her question while heading back to the subway late afternoon “When are we going to see the knights in their armor?” When a four-year old expresses interest in an art exhibit, you go before she can change her mind or fall asleep in someone’s lap. The coolest part was the horses’ armor.

    IMG_2315We took one day off from playgrounds to see Aladdin at the New Amsterdam Theater which is right at the Times Square metro station. While Aladdin was beautiful and fun and the Diva is still talking about the flying carpet, the chaos of Times Square was not fun or beautiful. A prematurely pitched lollipop, which she hadn’t liked in the first place, caused the second major meltdown of the trip.

    The sidewalks of Times Square are really not conducive to calming and soothing, so phones were whipped out and frantic searches for nearby cafes, preferably with chocolate-chip cookies, were conducted. An early retreat back to Queens resulted in take out of some of the most amazing Mexican I’ve had in my life from the local joint across the street. (Seriously, I’m on the Queens’ bandwagon primarily for the food.)

    IMG_2328After Times Square the posse had learned our lesson. Playgrounds and parks are enjoyable. Crowds and a sea of fifty foot iPads are not. This lesson led us to Brooklyn Bridge Park and the Main Street Playground near Manhattan Bridge. The Diva loved the nautical themed playground, and the posse loved the views. We rode Jane’s Carousel and had lunch at a little bistro just off the park. The breathtaking views are a great antidote to the effects of paying $4 for a single glass of coke that’s fifty percent ice.

    IMG_2432To complete our admittedly small sampling of New York City playgrounds, we went to Billy Johnson Playground in Central Park just north of the zoo. This comparatively humble playground features a 45 foot granite slide that the Diva went down at least twenty times. It was a gorgeous day and Central Park was lush and green. When we stumbled upon the Central Park Zoo after leaving the playground, there was no debate. The Diva bonded with a spirited puffin and enjoyed a hyper-active sea lion.

    We ended our week in a New York with a trip to the Rose Center for Earth and Space and a show in the Hayden Planetarium. While the Diva was awed by the concept of a movie on the ceiling, the New York Hall of Science is infinitely more accessible to the preschool aged public. Although, her posse thought the planetarium was awesome.

    IMG_2416I hope I haven’t given the impression that being in the posse of a small diva is only stressful. It does require planning and a willingness to abandon those plans, but the plus side of a diva is that they are energetic, passionate, and expressive people who draw you into their world. My Diva manifested such joy after seeing her first dog walker, I thought we’d have to follow him around the city.

    It’s also because of my Diva, that my husband and I have completely reimagined what living in NYC must be like. We spent a week in the “concrete jungle” running and climbing around parks. The local government has done an amazing job of providing outdoor resources for children and family throughout the city. I’ve spent my entire adult life living in apartments in cities, Washington D.C., Rio, and now Vitoria, and none of those cities have provided the public playgrounds and green spaces like New York. (Rio and Vitoria’s governments do not get credit for simply building their cities on beaches. In fact, negative points to you Rio and Vitoria for letting your outdoor spaces get septic.)

    Now if only it didn’t cost a fortune to buy a home in New York. And the winter. If the government could do something about winter, then I could definitely see the Diva and her posse living there.

  • Bible Belt Road Trip

    Bible Belt Road Trip

    P1000475Growing up in Atlanta, road trips were a big part of my childhood. In the summer we’d drive five hours to St. Simons Island on the Atlantic or maybe eight hours to Orlando. I’ve sat through the twelve hour drive to Washington D.C. many times. I’ve got family in Panama City, Florida so I’ve made that six hour trip at least a dozen times in my life.

    But until this year every trip was made from the passenger seat.

    January 2016 is now etched in my memory as the month I piloted my first road trip. For years, my husband and I have been content to get chauffered around or borrow cars during our holiday trip to Atlanta, but this year we rented a car. And I was the only licensed driver for it.

    We rented a…honestly, I don’t remember the name. It was a Kia. It had a hatchback, four doors, and operated on gasoline. I’m not a car person.

    The most impressive detail about the car was it’s near pocket-size. I’ve traveled enough to know that in many countries our Kia would have been considered normal-sized. Not so on an American interstate. Imagine your dining room table covered with water melons and one matchbox sitting in the middle of them. My family and I were inside the matchbox.

    That’s what it felt like as I merged onto Interstate-285 around Atlanta, aka the scariest place in the United States. The road circles the city for 64 death-defying miles and is a training center for domestic terrorists.

    My time skirting between 18 wheelers on I-285 in a freshman engineering class’s final exam with a screaming preschooler and frantic husband in the back seat was spent mostly in a semi-conscious state operating on pure adrenaline. It’s apparently standard operating procedure on 285 for freight truck drivers to allow about five feet of space between the truck and car in front, demonstrating complete indifference to the laws of Georgia, physics, and common sense.

    My fellow Americans, you’re all worried about the wrong things. You’re not going to be blown up. You’re going to be flattened by an 18 wheel truck filled with hamburger buns.

    My family and I survived that first hour and a half in the car and made it out of metro Atlanta. We left the traffic and everything else behind. Welcome to rural Georgia. We hope you enjoy our pine trees.P1000473

    There is farm land in Georgia. Lots of it. But much further south. We were driving South-west toward the Florida panhandle, cutting across southern Alabama. It’s a route that doesn’t provide much in terms of scenery save for the occasional buildboard advertising Jesus or a strip club.

    Even the exits disappear and fifteen minutes can pass before it’s even possible to get off the highway. A fact critically important when traveling with a four-year old who does NOT like to take bathroom breaks before her bladder is on the verge of exploding.

    “There’s an exit with a McDonald’s ahead. Little Bit, do you need to go potty?”

    “No.”

    “Are you sure you don’t need to go potty?”

    “No.”

    “Does that mean you do need to go?”

    “No.”

    “So you don’t need to go pee pee?”

    “No.”

    “Why don’t we stop and you just try?”

    “I said no, Mommy.”

    P1000087Do I even need to write the conversation that happens two minutes past the exit?

    Like most Americans, our bathrooms of choice are McDonald’s. Clean and available when literally no other restaurant is in a ten mile radius. Whatever else is true about the chain, their bathrooms are a service to humanity because the alternative to McDonald’s is a gas station.

    Gas stations in South Georgia and Alabama. They’re actually quite fascinating as long as you’re traveling with your traditional nuclear family and don’t have an Obama sticker on your car. In addition to a fabulous array of retro snack food like Yoohoo and Hostess SnoBalls, there’s no end to the items decorated in camouflage: hats, shirts, tabbaco, koozees, lighters, and bibles. You can also pick up the monthly publication of mugshots of people arrested by the city police. It’s the society pages of Pittsview, Alabama. (That’s a real town, btw.)

    My husband doesn’t find these places quite as charming as I do. In fact, his Brazilian instincts tell him to avoid at all costs isolated buildings in the middle of nowhere that would attract location scouts for a zombie apocalypse movie. He’s waiting for somebody to walk in with a gun. I told him to relax and just assume everyone walking in has a gun.

    The upside to driving in this part of the state is the road itself. There’s no traffic. It’s flat, paved, and has clearly visible lines painted on it. I could drive on those roads endlessly. After so much time spent on Brazilian roads, I forget that “bumpy” is not a given description of car rides everywhere.

    The US highway system is one of my husband’s favorite things about the country. He longs to take a cross country trip in the US. By comparison, my husband avoids extended road trips in Brazil as if his life depended on it. (Statistically speaking it kind of does. Roads in Brazil are more dangerous than gangs.)

    Kendall Manor Eufaula, Alabama
    Kendall Manor Eufaula, Alabama

    By the time we were in southern Alabama our road was a smooth, two lane stretch running straight through Eufala, the undisputed scenic highlight. Eufaula, Alabama is home to 13,000 people and the most breathtaking collection of homes. They sit right off the main (possibly only) street through town.

    Shorter Mansion
    Shorter Mansion

    Mansions with wrap around porches, a turret or two, carriage houses. They line both sides of the street beckoning to tourists with their corinthian columns, tempting them to abandon reason and move to Alabama.

    After Eufaula there’s not much else until Florida and the Gulf of Mexico. If you’re desperate to make those last two hours of driving pass by you can play road kill bingo. Prep your cards in advance with local species but you can only put oppossum on the card twice. They line the road like mile markers. On this trip, I spotted a raccoon, fox, armadillo, and coyote.

    I drove the last hour in the pouring rain, at night, listening to the dialogue of Cinderella II for the

    The Gulf of Mexico! Totally worth the drive.
    The Gulf of Mexico! Totally worth the drive.

    third time in a row. When we reached my grandparents’ house, dinner was waiting for us on the table. I considered my first road trip a resounding success.

    So much so, we did it all again three days later.

  • The Consequences of Going Gray

    The Consequences of Going Gray

    woman-morning-bathrobe-bathroomIt’s been more than difficult finding time to write this post. My husband is away on a networking trip while Kiddo’s in the middle of summer vacation. That puts me on twenty-four hours a day parent duty. I’d probably be a little more frustrated if I didn’t know these networking trips of his were going to start tapering off.

    You see my husband’s getting older, and in the spirit of honesty, it’s obvious. He’s getting more wrinkles and creases, but it’s the gray hair that’s really noticeable. My husband has black hair which has gone from lightly dusted to preserved cod salty in the last few years. Of course getting older isn’t a problem per se. He just could look a lot younger if he wanted to.

    With all that gray hair, he’s not going to be tapped for any promotion. The quality of his work is going to become less obvious as people start focusing on his whiter hair. I’m sure the university he teaches for is going to want someone a little…fresher to represent them at conferences. I’m afraid it’s going to affect his student evaluations. Those undergrads are going to look at him and think his complete apathy about his appearance clearly indicates a certain indifference toward everything including class planning.

    I’m also worried it’s going to affect his social life. He hasn’t said anything, but I think some of his friends have stopped calling. I feel terrible for him, but I can’t blame them. By not coloring his hair, he’s basically throwing his mortality in the face of everyone around him. Who wants to sit next to Mr. Death-is-Inevitable at the dinner party? That’s kind of a bummer.

    Of course, it’s going to be harder to make new friends. Everyone says they don’t judge people by appearances, but let’s be honest. We all check a person’s roots before striking up a conversation.

    I’ve made subtle comments about the gray hoping he’ll take some interest in his appearance and stop letting himself go. I realize I’m never going to talk him into botox or skin peels, but if he would just invest a little in himself, I think he’d really perk up and be more confident in all areas of his life. It feels like he doesn’t love himself anymore. When he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see the incredibly handsome man I see. That’s why I want him to dye his hair. I think he would feel more handsome if he would just get rid of the gray.

    Watching my husband deal with getting older has made me glad I’m a woman. I’ve been going gray since my early twenties. If had to hide my white hair, at the rate my hair grows…ugh, I’d have spent a small fortune on salon appointments. Fortunately, I’m not a man, and I don’t have to work at making everyone think I’m at least a decade younger than my actual age to be happy with my appearance.

    Actually, women don’t really talk about our age that much. Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure I know exactly how old my best buddies are. We’re usually too busy talking about politics, whether or not to refinance our houses, the cost of health care. And sports. I swear my friends and I still don’t get through one round of drinks before someone references Lloyd’s hat trick in the World Cup final. Why would age even come up?

    I hope my husband knows that I’ll love him no matter how old he gets and what he looks like. I hope he knows how handsome he is. Gray hair and all.

    This of course is a piece of comedy. Although I have, in fact, been going gray since my early twenties. Unfortunately, I have spent a small fortune on trips to the salon. I had coloring my hair in the same category as bathing, an essential and basic part of my self-care routine. But in the last year, afternoons to myself for writing were in short supply. I didn’t want to give up a whole afternoon to painting my hair, so I let my hair grow and grow and eventually ended up with a couple inches of gray hair at my temples.

    IMG_1371
    No, that’s not a lighting effect. That’s four months of hair growth highlighting my temple.

    And life’s pretty much the same. It turns out coloring hair is a choice. One my salt-and-pepper headed husband chooses not to pursue without comment or consequence. I’m going to opt out too from now on. I’m not promising to never color my hair again. But for now, there are other things I’d rather do with my time and money. Will you still invite me over for dinner?

     

    Body Positive January 2016This post is part of Happy Mama Happy Baby‘s Body Positive January. Check out her site for more awesome posts from great writers, book reviews, and giveaways!